Snooze

“BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP”…press snooze…”BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP”…snooze again…”BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP…

What was supposed to be a 30 minute nap has now turned into three hours. I don’t feel rejuvenated, I rarely do. Even after sleeping at night for 10 hours, I have trouble waking up. One time I even woke up to a phone call from my Physical Therapist wondering where I was. I had slept through all of my alarms…

I hate how tired my body is. I hate how I have so many things I want to be doing including rehab, swimming, writing, and seeing family and friends, but my body often says no. My therapists (mental, physical, and occupational) all say that this is part of the healing process; that I’m only a little more than six weeks post brain surgery. Logically, I understand this, but logic doesn’t always clear the fog of emotions every time I can’t get out of bed or off the couch.

It is the same dichotomy I’m facing with my right hand and arm. When taking a shower, I’ll keep dropping the soap with my right hand. When holding a glass, I’ll notice instability in my arm. I KNOW that this is all part of the healing process, but that doesn’t make it FEEL any less infuriating.

After my physical therapy, my therapist always asks me how tired I am. Usually, I reply, “4 out of 10.” Over the following hour though as I’m home, my mental energy will drain and I’ll need to sleep at least one to two hours. It’s become clockwork to the extent where I’ve included it in my calendar.

When I’m constantly pushing my alarm back, or watching T.V. because I don’t have the energy for anything else, I feel guilty. Guilty that I’m not doing the activities I associate with “living.” I was extremely lucky to have such a great outcome from my most recent surgery (…really a testament to my surgeon’s skill), and I don’t want to waste the time I have. And I think that’s simply what it comes down to…time.

Having lived with cancer essentially my whole life, and having recurrence after recurrence, time is as tangible as water. I start with a full glass each day, but with my lack of stamina the glass is practically empty before I know it. I only have a few sips to enjoy. Call me greedy, but I want more water. I want more time each day to feel like myself and enjoy the things that bring meaning to my life.

I KNOW I’m healing. I KNOW I just had brain surgery. I KNOW my stamina will improve. But that doesn’t negate how I feel.

Now, when I wake up after a nap that was two to three hours longer than planned, I try to tell myself, “my body is healing, I needed that sleep.” Sometimes that makes me feel like the glass is still partly full, but if I’m honest with myself, I’m still seeing the glass partly empty. Time gone.

I’m going to try to be patient, and I think it is important for me to be honest with myself, and for you as a reader to know the whole experience.

With love,

Jeremy